Love Lessons
by mockingjayde
Summary: Voldemort finally realizes Harry's secret weapon, why he couldn't kill him that night. Love. To further understand the concept of love, and to possibly level the playing field, Voldemort asks his closest acquaintances to give him lessons on how to love.


**A/N: **Hahah, okay, so let me start out by saying that I am incredibly sleep-deprived. I have been having these strange nightmares lately and haven't been able to get any sleep. So what your about to read is a product of a very sleep-deprived brain, and a very sad obsession with Harry Potter (well, Snape). Wasn't really planning on posting it, but WHATEVER. I took the time to write it so I'm going to post it. Like it or not. XD So, this is what happens when Voldy realizes that love is the major thing protecting Harry (Harry's 'secret weapon,' I suppose.) So in order to learn more and possibly destroy this 'weapon,' Voldy decides to try to learn to love. And who better to teach him then Snape (whose his most faithful Death Eater, not to mention he's been in love with the same girl for like… ever *SOBS*.), Wormtail, and his trusty snake, Nagini. This is also my first parody, so yeahhh. Haha, well, enjoy or something. ;) OH! **Be prepared for OOC**. This is a **crackfic**/parody, NOT ANYTHING SERIOUS, Black. Haahhahahahaha. (Sorry, it's late.)

I do not own any characters; they belong to Jo'Ro'wling.

Severus Snape sat around a small table in the basement of a random Muggle house, silently sipping from a large mug filled to the brim with pumpkin juice. His last few days have not been his best. It was becoming even more and more difficult to spy on both the Dark Lord and Dumbledore. His loyalties belonged to both of them, although it didn't make any sense at all to him. Tell Dumbledore the Dark Lord's plans, tell the Dark Lord Dumbledore's plans. It was all very confusing, and sometimes, Snape wished he weren't a part of it at all. But as Dumbledore said years ago, there was only one way out of a situation like his. To follow through with Dumbledore's Master Plan. Not to mention, Snape wanted Voldemort gone just as much as the rest of them. Maybe even more, considering what he did to Lily Evans. Snape loathed Voldemort to the core, but he could not act like it. He had to pretend to be his loyal, patient, most favorite Death Eater.

Most the time, it was quite tiresome. And the job was no walk in the park. Being the favorite of the Dark Lord had it's perks _sometimes_, but others (and a majority of the time) it was just plain difficult. Not to mention, awkward. Like this time, for instance.

Voldemort quietly sat on the other side of Snape, affectionately stroking Nagini. Snape took another big swig of pumpkin juice, thinking of Lily, and Wormtail was playing a game of Tic-Tac-Toe with himself. The silver hand Voldemort had given him sometimes had a mind of it's own, allowing him to do those kinds of things. Just yesterday, he was awkwardly arm-wrestling himself. But that's a story for a different time..

"Severus," Voldemort said quietly, scratching Nagini underneath her chin (her favorite spot) "I've been thinking…"

Snape quickly shook his head and the girl with the red hair disappeared beneath his eyelids. "Yes, my Lord?"

"What did you say was the reason that I could not kill Potter? Refresh my memory, please."

"My Lord, the Killing Curse did not affect Potter because his mother's love protected him." Snape paused, biting his lip, then continued, "I do not understand the fundamentals on how exactly it worked but I think I-"

Abruptly, Voldemort asked; "Severus, have you ever loved?"

Wormtail dropped his quill. Snape's mouth dropped open. Wormtail picked it up and continued his game. "Er, what? M-my Lord, did I-did I hear you correctly?"

"Yes, Severus. You did indeed. I asked you a question now would you please answer it?"

"Well, I suppose. I did have a family… once. No idea where they are now. And of course, there is always…." Snape trailed off, looking at the ground awkwardly.

Voldemort remained impassive.

"Yes, I have loved. I mean, I _do_."

"Fair enough, fair enough," Voldemort muttered. He glanced over at Wormtail, who was surrounded by several rolls of parchment, all littered with dozens of X's and O's. From the looks of it, the silver hand had won the majority of games. "Wormtail, go to the rubbish bin outside and scrounger up a few rats to feed my dear Nagini. This should be a simple task for you, since well… you know. You've spent several years of your life living as such rodent." Wormtail's natural response was to press his mouth into a hard line, but then he remembered who he was being ordered by.

"Anything for you, my Lord," he said simply and scampered up the stairs and out of the room.

"Nagini, I need you to follow. Warn me if he's coming back here anytime soon."

"Yesssssss Massssssterrrr," the great snake said in Parseltounge and along, trailing Wormtail.

Once they were gone, Voldemort spoke again. "Alright, Severus. I need your help and only your help. Like many other things, you must not tell anybody about this. Can I have your word?"

"There is no need to ask, my Lord. The answer would always be yes," Snape replied.

"That is because you comply out of fear. On this one, I need your compliance to be as… as….as…."

"Friends?" Snape offered.

"Friends," Voldemort repeated. He said the word as one would say 'Muggle' or 'Potter.' "Yes, Severus, friends."

"Alright, my Lord. As you wish. What is this favor?" Snape leaned back in his chair and took a giant gulp of pumpkin juice; preparing for the very worst.

"Severus…" Voldemort said in a low voice, leaning in towards Snape, taking extra precautions so no one else would hear, "I need you to teach me how to love."

Spit take. Pumpkin juice was slowing dripping down from Voldemort's angry face. (**A/N: BAH HA, I was gonna say nose but… ;D**) He was drenched and outraged. Voldemort clenched his fists together tightly, inhaling and exhaling strongly. Snape swore he could hear him slowly counting to ten, but he was sure he was imagining it.

Snape raised he wand and began siphoning the orange liquid off his face and the table. "M-my Lord. I'm s-s-so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

Voldemort raised a pale hand. "No, Severus. It. Is. Fine," he said through clenched teeth.

"I'll go have Wormtail get you a hot rag to wash up with." Snape stood up and jogged up to the top of the stairs. "Alohamora!" The door clicked and Snape threw it open. "WORMTA-"

Laughter erupted from beneath him. Snape looked down to see Wormtail on the floor, rolling in laughter. Tears we're streaming down his face. Next to him, Nagini was laid out, and from what Snape could tell, she was laughing as well.

Snape swore under his breath. They had heard. They had heard the Dark Lord's strange request. Oh, he would be so furious when he found out!

"SEVERUS, WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE!" Voldemort bellowed from below.

"Nothing you need to worry about, my Lord! I got it!" He raised his wand and hissed, "Muffliato!" A sound barrier was put up between them. Hopefully, Voldemort wouldn't worry too much about it. He turned on his heels to face Wormtail and Nagini, who was now sitting up straight but still laughing uncontrollably.

As much as Snape despised Voldemort, he still couldn't help feeling bad for him. It was such a strange request and from an outsiders perspective, it did sound pretty sketchy. A grown man (well, man-_ish_ thing) asking another grown man on how to love. It was a little strange, but Snape didn't dare to disobey the Dark Lord. And besides, there were many different types of love other than romantic. Family love, friend love. It wasn't not like Voldemort was asking for _that_.

Snape pointed his wand at Wormtail. "Shut up, Wormtail. You were not supposed to hear that."

"Oh, but I did!" Wormtail's grin vanished, and he composed a straight face. I suppose we should go back down there. _Accio_, warm towel!" A few seconds later a warm towel landed softly in Wormtail's outstretched hand.

"Not a word." Severus told Wormtail and Nagini. Wormtail pretended to zip his lips and Nagini's creepy snake-smile faded. Snape lifted the sound barrier and proceeded down the stairs.

"What happened up there, Severus?" Voldemort asked, taking the towel from Wormtail's hand. Wormtail bit his lip, his eyes watering. He was trying not to laugh, but not successfully.

"Wormtail!" Snape hissed. But it was too late. Wormtail and Nagini both collapsed on the ground, shaking violently with laughter.

Voldemort slowly turned to Snape. His extremely pale white face redding furiously; with rage or embarasment, Snape couldn't tell.

"My-My Lord… it's not wh-"

Voldemort exploded. "YOU TOLD THEM?"

Snape was stumbling over his words. "No, m-my L-lord, of c-course n-n-not! They w-we're by the d-d-door and…"

"_Love me tender, love me long. Take me to your heart, for it's there that I belonggggg! And we'll never part, love me tender, love me dear,_" Wormtail began singing loudly, a song neither Snape nor Voldemort had recognized. Either way, it was completely off-tune and it sounded like he was being put under the Crucius Curse, rather than singing a song. Nagini joined for the last few verses (of course in Parselmouth, though): "_Tell me you are mine. I'll be yours through all the years, till the end of time!_"

Almost instantly, Voldemort pulled his wand and aimed it at Wormtail. "Adava Ke-"

"_EXPELLIARMUS_!" Snape bellowed, and the wand flew out of Voldemort's hand before he had time to finish the spell. Wormtail didn't even notice this, as he and Nagini kept singing.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Voldemort screeched, "_Accio_ wa-"

"_Impedimenta!"_

Voldemort's hands were quickly bound to his sides. It was as if an invisible chain had been wrapped around him.

"HOW DARE YOU, SEVERUS! RELEASE ME! NOW!"

Snape had never seen Voldemort so angry. Ever. He took a step back and pointed his wand at Wormtail who was wailing away on a different tune. "_All you need is love, all you need is love, love, love. Love is all you need_!"

"_Silencio!_" Wormtail's mouth kept moving as if he was still laughing, but no sound came out. The basement was silent except the sound of Nagni's snake laughter and Parselmouth lyrics, but only Voldemort could understand that. Snape didn't dare try to silence Nagini, because her temper was just like her owner's; Quick and dangerous. And besides, no spells or jinxes would work because Voldemort had protected Nagini so cautiously, with Dark magic so Dark, not even Snape knew about it.

"My Lord, let me explain," Snape began, tapping the wand impatiently in his hand and pacing the floor between him and Wormtail. "I did not tell them anything. I swear to it. But apparently, these _two _were ease-dropping the whole time."

Voldemort closed his eyes tightly. "Nagini will tell me if you are telling the truth," he murmured simply. He ordered Nagini to stop laughing, and then asked her.

"Heeeee ssssssspeaksssssss theeee truthhhhhhhh," Nagini said shamelessly in Parselmouth. "Itttt wasssssssssss myyy ideasssssssssss."

Voldemort nodded. "Okay, I believe you, Severus. Now will you please release me?"

Snape released him and handed him back his wand. "The first step to acquiring love, my Lord, is trust and forgiveness. You are doing well so far."

Voldemort gave a quick half-smile, but on him, it looked more like a grimace. "Alright then. Let's get started…"

_A/N_: BAHHH. Okay, that's all I can write for tonight. Well, morning, I guess. If anyone wants, I might continue this. But I dunno. It depends what YOU want, so tell meh in a review/PM! Do you wanna know how Voldy's first 'love' lesson goes? Haha. Wow, I just read over this, and it's incredibly stupid and bad. OH WELL. If you actually read this whole thing, hopefully you semi-enjoyed it and I didn't waste your time completely. Again, this was not meant to be serious at all, and it most defiantly is not my best writing (can you blame me? I'm half-awake! ;D) Review or flame; but thanks anyways for reading! J Now… *collapses from sleep-deprivation onto keyboard*


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